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We ask questions to feel closer and safer, but some seemingly harmless ones can open Pandora’s box.
It’s important to remember that the truth won’t always be pleasant and won’t sow discord or change your attitude toward your partner. No matter who you are, there’s no smoke without fire, and things could turn out completely differently in a new relationship with a different partner. Psychotherapist and psychiatrist Elena Antonova lists what questions you shouldn’t ask your partner about their past.
Sometimes it’s better not to know: 8 topics you shouldn’t bring up early in a relationship
Black couple hugging via Pinterest (original creator unknown; if this is your work, please contact us for credit) Questions about former partners
This kind of curiosity — “How many girlfriends did you have before me?”, “Why did you break up?” “Aren’t I better than her?” can ruin the prospects of a relationship right from the start and fundamentally change your attitude toward your partner. Receiving negative information may lead you to look for negative traits in your partner, but what’s the point if you’re happy? Perfect people don’t exist.
Questions about sex
“Did you sleep with your ex?” “Did you cheat in your relationship?” With good intentions… we try to protect ourselves from betrayal at the start of a relationship, but we’ll likely end up labelled as someone with an anxious attachment. Such information requires time and a deeper connection. And by the time that connection is established, you’ll already understand everything about your partner.
Read also: Sex Confessions: “I slept with his friend… and I don’t regret it”
Questions about finances and career
“How much do you earn?” “What’s your job title?” At the beginning of a relationship or while just getting to know each other, such statements can be seen as mercantilism and status-seeking. But once the connection is deep enough, they’ll tell you everything themselves, eager to demonstrate their seriousness. It all depends on your values.
Socially condemned issues, stigma and age
“You’re so old, and you still haven’t had a serious relationship?” “Why don’t you have children?” It all depends on the way the question is phrased, which can be offensive. A person may have their own plans for their life, personal traumas that have hindered them, and they may be in the process of personal therapy. These topics are quite profound and can make a person vulnerable and unwilling to talk about deep things — and that’s normal.
A black family painting Easter eggs by Getty Images via Unsplash Questions about the parental family
“What kind of environment did you grow up in?” “Did you grow up in a two-parent family?” These kinds of conversations have their value, but they speak more to your partner’s trust, and getting to know them personally is likely to happen based on your partner’s desire and willingness to let you into their life.
Provocative questions
“Why are you alone?” “Are you sure it’s not you, but others?” These kinds of statements from people you don’t know well can provoke a defensive reaction, leading to conflict. Another important aspect of communication is tact and sensitivity, and this kind of curiosity doesn’t paint you in a good light or create a good impression.
Read also: Gist Me: How do you break up with someone you once saw a future with?
Questions about intentions
“What do you want from me?” “Will we date?” “How long before you’re ready to propose?” While the goal of such questions is certainly to clarify, they undermine the ease and subtlety of the connection. Men and women have slightly different approaches to building relationships. Women prioritise emotional connection, the need for a relationship (and the security of contact), and then sex.
For men, it’s the exact opposite: seeing a beautiful woman triggers sexual desire, and later, the need for a relationship, as the emotional sphere is a man’s greatest vulnerability. Therefore, giving a man the opportunity to get to know you as a person, allowing him to simply spend time with you and admire your beauty without intrusive comments about relationships and the registry office, is the best strategy.
Critical questions and sarcasm
“Are you sure you’re doing the right thing?” “Are you sure you’re as good at your job as you say you are?” “Do you really think this is normal?” We’re all different, raised in different families, and shaped by different circumstances. But when criticising someone, consider where the standard of normality lies. What’s wrong for you personally isn’t necessarily wrong for someone else—and understanding when those standards have been misaligned can be very difficult. Therefore, it’s best to avoid such statements and criticism of another person’s personality to avoid provoking conflict.
Read also: Why do women keep going back to dating apps after horrible experiences? Here’s what we know
How to build trust and ask questions
Wait for the right moment — avoid asking personal questions on first dates or early in your relationship. Instead, observe your partner, checking in with your own feelings and reactions.
Communicate gently and unobtrusively: “What would you tell me on a first date? I’d love to hear and learn a little more about you.” Statements like these will give your partner space and reduce tension.
Black couple in the kitchen cooking via Pinterest (original creator unknown; if this is your work, please contact us for credit) Ask open-ended questions. For example, “What moments from the past stand out to you?” instead of “Why did you do that?”
Ask more about the “here and now,” discuss current events, share emotions and impressions. Show interest. “I recently watched a new movie… did you see it? Did you like it?”
Respect and empathy are essential for healthy communication. Try to focus on what unites you, not what might drive you apart. Stop looking for excuses. Create a comfortable atmosphere.
A trusting relationship is an emotional connection between people based on mutual trust, respect, honesty, openness, and free expression of emotions. It presupposes that both people feel safe, can be themselves, and share their thoughts, feelings, and experiences without fear of judgment or betrayal, and is based on complete acceptance.
Read more: Would you date your colleague — here’s why I believe office romance isn’t the scandal we think it is
This article was originally published by Elena Antonova on the Marie Claire Russia website.
Translated and syndicated for Marie Claire Nigeria by Esther Akinbola.
React to this post!The post These are the questions that can quietly ruin a relationship before it begins appeared first on Marie Claire Nigeria.
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